I recently posted a blog called The Ten Signs You Are A Bad Parent. Some overly sensitive folks, perhaps those with a bit of a guilty conscience, attacked my ideas with a vengeance! Some of you pointed out how you let your kid have a television in their bedroom and the kid still got straight A’s at school. Good for you! Some argued you often don’t know where your kid is and don’t need to because you have a great kid you can completely trust. Good for you again! Some of you even argued that it wasn’t necessary to be the kind of person you wanted your child to become. Seriously? Okay then, good for you one more time!
Do what you want to do and let your kid do exactly as they please. Go ahead and roll the dice with your child’s future. If that is your stance on responsible parenting, then get after it. Let’s see how that works out for you when your 25 year old wants to move back into their old bedroom because they can’t make it in the real world. When your kid can’t get through your front door because they are wider than the doorframe. When your little princess can’t pay her bills because she never learned how to be responsible enough to even show up to work on time. When your teen is charged as a sex offender for sexting, or shows up pregnant or with an STD. Or when they excitedly call and brag that they are about to be on a reality television show! Won’t you be proud then? When those or any number of other things happen, maybe then you will look at my list and think again about good parenting and bad parenting.
Before any of you blow a gasket, all of those things can still happen regardless of what you’ve done. I get it. I covered that whole concept in Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults. I know that sometimes, you can do everything right and it all still goes wrong. Not often, but sometimes. So don’t write me and say, “yeah but . . . “ I get it. Move along. And for those of you who have written me saying I wish I had taken a stance with my kid earlier because now they are teenagers and I can’t get back in control. I get that too. I wish you had as well. But it’s not too late. You can still re-establish communications and make things better. Maybe not perfect again, but better. And for all who have told me how my ideas have helped them with their kids, thank you especially!
Now on to my real point!
Some of you have really had your blood pressure soar about my black and white approach to self-improvement, finances, parenting and life in general. You have pointed out that there are several areas that really are gray when it comes to life. No kidding? Thanks for pointing that out to me. I had NO IDEA that was the case. How could I know that? I have never had a problem or faced a challenge. I have never raised teenagers, had money issues, been married or divorced, held a job, managed people, driven down the street, eaten out, bought anything, had a bill, or had to make a tough decision. Never. None of those things. I have lived a completely sheltered life in a cave blessed with only positive thoughts and outcomes. I have attracted all of my success through The Secret and The Law Of Attraction. I have never had a real life facing all of the things real people face and I honestly had no idea that life had any gray areas.
Come on folks, I know life if full of gray areas. It’s just that I think we have all become way too comfortable living in those gray areas. Gray areas used to be little tiny corners we could escape to in order to justify our stupid actions and results. Now the gray areas are everywhere! Our homes, our businesses, our government, our society, our grocery stores, in our books, and all over our televisions. Our leaders spew gray and drape it red, white and blue. Things are so gray that when someone actually draws a line and paints one side black and the other side white, it bothers the hell out of people! We have become comfortable and embraced the gray areas way too much and shied away from the uncomfortable realities of black and white. I want people to begin to think more in terms of black and white. Right or wrong. Good or bad. People need to understand they are either doing enough or they aren’t doing enough. We need to recognize we are either giving our best or we aren’t. You are either on the way, or you are in the way. You are either living within your means or you aren’t. It’s either the truth or it’s a lie.
It’s easier to live in the black and white world. That’s why I am so confused by those who love the gray area so much. When faced with a decision, you just make it quickly based on whether it is the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do. You don’t have to wallow in it, meditate on it, study it, consider it, hold a focus group, or take a vote. You DO the right thing.
Why? Because you can. All it takes is some guts. A backbone. A pair.
You will be criticized for it. Trust me, I know. Who cares? You will be given grief at work for kissing up by doing your job when others are slacking. Tell them to kiss off. Your friends will give you crap about being too tough on your kids. They will laugh at you for saying no to spending money when you know you can’t afford it. They will ridicule you for not taking the easy road when you know you should take the right road. Those people are not your friends, dump them. Now. And never look back.
Do the right thing in your life every time to the best of your ability. You won’t be perfect at it. I’m certainly not. I mess up every day and slip and slide around in the gray area, just like everyone else. But every day, I remind myself I can do a little better; take more of a stand for what I know is right and take action on it. That’s all it takes: a decision to do it, a willingness to take action, the humility to admit you aren’t doing your best, the honestly to confront yourself for it, and the willingness to keep on doing what you know is right regardless of the consequences. Yep, that’s it: it’s black or white.
Larry Recommends…
Check out my new book, Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible, Productive Adults. It’s the most important thing I have ever written. And if it helps you raise a more productive, responsible person, then I have done an important job.
http://www.larrywinget.com/yourkids.html
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You’re dead on, Larry. We’re morphed into too much of a ‘gray area’ society that wants to ignore the black and white issues of parenting. As a parent of four grown kids ages 24-40, I reflect often on how I raised them and how those decisions have impacted their lives as young adults. I wish I could have a few ‘do-overs’, and in most cases, those would be used for times when I backed off of issues I shouldn’t have. Instead of listening to my gut, I chose to take the ‘less hassle’ route.
Raising responsible kids is a lot more black and white than any parent wants to admit because it puts the onus for the outcome on the parent. And who wants that much pressure and that much blame. Far easier to cave and blame schools, society, media, etc.
Your book is exceptional, I might add.
Do the right thing every time and you’ll never face any problems or any issues… Yeah right. Do the right thing any way, why? Because it’s the right thing to do regardless of what others tell you.
In fact, if others tell you it’s wrong and you know it’s right, why are you hanging around with them in the first place?
I like this one, Larry. I like a lot of what you have to say and this is no different. Color is great but ultimately it’s yes or no, black or white, right or wrong. People should just get used to it.
Preach on, Larry!
“Your friends will give you crap about being too tough on your kids.”
This rang all too true for my wife and I. You are saying what so many of us are feeling, and I sincerely thank you for it.
By the way, the “Share This” function at the bottom of your blog does not include Facebook…or did I overlook it?
Hi Larry,
This is a great post. I think that sometimes we definitely can be always walking on the gray. I think you raise a good point about parents taking the dice and rolling it in regard to their children’s future. Black and white will piss a lot of people off, but it makes things easier like you said.
Great rant, Larry. I wish I knew now…. Where was your book 10 or 12 years ago when I needed it? Somehow things are working out but it could have been so much better. The boys are slowly coming round to understanding what their Mom and I went through to provide for them.
Nice to see a new blog from you, too.
And, just one more thing to say – 😉 – the thought of you living in a cave kind of amuses me for an unspecified reason. Trying to picture caveman Larry wearing custom cowboy boots and loud shirts painting on the walls.
Thank you Larry. I have read all of your books, am 36 years old, married with no children, only debt is our house and the the Harly Davidson I bought last year, have a 10 mounth emergency savings, both save for retirement, never had credit card dept, and agree with everthing you have to say and have always thought like you. I live by “take responsibility” and get so frustrated with people making excuses about problems. I got a four year degree, paid for my own college, found a job, married a great wife, and don’t buy things we can’t afford. Sometimes we argue about not taking trips or getting a new TV but that is the way I’ve decided to live. My wife made a comment a while back “How come they can do everthing and have that stuff?” And what do you know their hose is now getting foreclosed on, by the way neither of them lost their jobs in fact they recently got higher paying jobs. Wow not living within your means and it caught up to them but they are complaining about “yada…yada”. “People don’t spend more than you make.” “Exercise more eat less.” Larry thanks again, I can’t believe how you explain simple things. “Excuses sound good to the person who is making it.”
I laughed at the statement “Your friends will give you crap about being too tough on your kids.” because my friends used to threaten their kids with me! They knew I meant it when I said no. I learned early on that if you don’t mean it when you say NO the kids will run your life. No one likes to say no to their kids, but give in one time and you may as well throw in the towel.
Talking about the gray areas reminds me of that old Macintosh commercial where everything is dull and gray until the runner comes along to smash the screen. Living in the gray takes all the color out of your life not just black and white.
You’re right on point Larry. Like Maggie my friends also threaten their kids with me! I’m tired of seeing kids run their parents and then the parents complaining about they don’t know what to do! Be a parent and quit trying to be your child’s friend.
Lol, well I’m glad I’m not the only one who caught flack for your list! I made the mistake of forwarding it out to people I knew were parenting….yes, I admit, I liked the fact that I aced that list and happened to agree with all ten of your signs….at least I made the opposite choices when raising my kids.
But then a relative told me she took offense to it, and a couple others responded defensively. And I told them to do whatever they wanted to do….take offense, don’t, raise your kids how you want. I didn’t apply that list to anybody I was sending it to, I applied it to ME! And then shared it with people who were parenting….because I wanted them to THINK about what the possible outcomes were for the choices they were making.
It scares me a little Larry…..I might be too much like you. The female version.
You children are in part the results of your influence of being a parent and I am proud to say I have two wonderful sons now in their twenties. They are finding their way to realising their potential and I encourage them to find their passions.
Mentioning grey versus black and white reminds me of the old saying that if you look closely enough at a grey photo in the newspaper you will see that it is really only black dots and white space put very closely together. Usually this is the case in life — if an area appears grey to us it is usually our personal filter that is the problem and not the reality of the situation.
Agreed, Larry!
My niece’s husband talked about having a “discussion” with his 2 year old about bed time. He talked like bed time was a negotiation! Another gray area? I have 2 boys, and bed time was never a discussion, it just happened without fanfare. Why? EXPECTATIONS.
Quick story. 12 or so years ago, my oldest son (15 at that time) was hanging around with friends who we weren’t impressed with. We checked with the police and found that this crew was being watched for involvement with drugs. One night, my son was at one of their houses. My wife called the house and spoke to my son. She informed him that we would be in front of the house in 10 minutes, and that he was to come out and simply get in the car. When we arrived, he got in the car and was told by both of us that we knew what he was up to, and he was never to hang with that crew again. No compromise, no nicey-nicey, just a simple expectation. We never spoke of it again. He never brought it up again.
Now my son is 27, is drug free, and works as a trained electrician. He displays integrity. He didn’t learn integrity because we preached it; he learned integrity because we lived it! We led by example and expectation.
Parents seem to be afraid of their kids….that’s bullshit! They need to draw the line in the sand and take responsibility. Because even under the best of circumstances, kids can go off course. Parents are supposed to be the leveling influence against that. Parenting isn’t as difficult as people make it, but it is challenging. Usually, however, when parents stand for something, their kids do too……..
Loved the book. Didn’t agree with some-still loved the book! I wanted to add more- for example, not putting your kid on ritalin because it sends the kid the message, from a young age, that people only like him if he takes pills-. I wanted to yell-GO LARRY!! Gosh, people, make sure the little brat doesn’t have allergies or something crazy stressful in his little kid world before resorting to drugs!!
Great post Larry.
Larry,
I agree wholeheartedly. The kids I’ve seen that grew up mentally & physically healthy had parents that shared a lot of activities with them. I try keeping my kids active in real community outings including The National World War II Museum, volunteer work, sports, the library and the arts district. It is a bit of a struggle getting them away from the t.v. and game console. But once I get them out of the house – even if it’s just a drive to the lake, throwing a football in a park, eating a po-boy at Audubon Park- once we start doing it, they end up enjoying it. Heck one time we even ran into Drew Brees. Kids crave that type of wholesome activity even while telling you how nerdy it is and how they hate it. It’s up to us to take them out of the junk media world. And yes, of course, they do need time with their peers and they will leave the nest before we know it. Thanks for taking on the challenge of helping us raise better children. It sure is one heck of a job but if done properly, I don’t know of anything more rewarding.
Awesome blog! People don’t like black and white because they don’t want to take responsibility and do the right thing. As you have said so many times; “It is simple” but it is not easy and it is hard work. Nowadays people think that they want the quick solution rather than doing what it takes to get it done. They want the instant gratification rather than the long term success.
There is an epidemic of excusitis and so many people have ‘good’ reasons for not achieving what their goals but I also know this – winners create results; losers tell stories!
We all have a choice! Results or stories?
I really liked your book, “People Are Idiots”. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to do something to improve their lives rather than sit on the couch and bitch about it.
I received the book “The Secret” two Christmas’s ago. I just haven’t been able to get into it. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me. What is your opinion on it?
I am currently reading “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” Thank you for recommending it. My best friend is reading “First You Have to Row a Little Boat” and that is my next read.
Thank you for being so straight forward and honest. I hate it when people think they have to sugar coat everything! You are awesome!
Loved the book! Nothing like shaking things up and making people think! Me especially…. I need a good shaking / thinking from time to time.
I find that if I’m getting frustrated or have a lot of passion for something – there is something behind it. Some times good and some times not so good. It is hard to look at yourself and find out “why”. Grey areas are just an area that maybe we all need to be challenged on so we can find out what side of the fence we should be on.
And the thing that is most important is that we should and are all reading the book to be a better parent. And yes some of the things you mention I don’t entirely agree with …but you made me think about it. When you hit “my button”….I realized it was because you challenged my judgment as a parent. Good for you! Because I needed to be challenged. Some of the areas where I got a bit “hot” about were areas that needed to change. With all the other messages coming at us these days, we get callous to the “gray” and don’t even realize it is gray…we think we are in the “white” (right)…but not always the case.
Keep shaking the tree!
I really resonate with your views, especially on parenting. I’ve not yet had the privilege become a parent, but my parents (immigrants, old-school, responsible, strong work ethic, disciplined) ingrained in my brothers and I so many excellent character traits. As children, my siblings and I thought they were “crocodile” parents compared to everyone else’s parents around us (including other family members), but the results for my siblings and I have been becoming healthy, successful, well-adjusted, responsible in all areas of our lives adults. All of us completed what we’ve started with higher education, all of us have excellent careers, all of us continue to be financial responsible, all of us have been taught not to settle for less in the relationship department unless we can find equally healthy adults (in fact this is one of the toughest challenges when being raised healthy; there seem to be less “healthy” potential mates out there “unhealthy” ones who would end up being unproductive partners, who could not properly parent to save one’s life). Your views, IMO, are 100% correct! I’m a product of my parent’s excellent parenting. The best thing we can do for our society is to teach, train, and inspire our children the right way. Yes, there is a wrong way and a right way! Continue to preach the message…perhaps, some people will wake up… – Michelle
Alysia – I wrote a blog a while back called The Secret Is A Total Load Of Crap. just do a search or scroll thru my back issues or ask James Arthur Ray how that whole attract what you most want thing that he wrote about in The Secret is working out for him now.
I recently picked up your book, The Idiot Factor and have to tell you that I was impressed with your brutal honesty. I am a new wife, a mother of a fifteen year old, and in college to start a career in the Human Services field. I also have been working on creating the life I want and deserve for me and my family.It is not easy, and everyday I learn more about what I am working towards, I have learned that blaming my parents, society, my former career, etc. are only an excuses for not doing what needs to be done.
I was fat, terrible with money, lazy, depressed,hated my career as a cosmetologist, and had given up on life. I could not find love and whined about the horrible relationships I kept getting into- yet did nothing about it. I blamed everything I could for my misery. I turned to drugs, food, sex, to numb my self inflicted misery. I neglected my child’s needs because I gave up-I felt there was no way I could ever be the mother she deserved and even considered suicide because looking myself in the mirror became too much to bare.
Then one evening I just snapped out of it. I had always wanted better, I just did not know how to do it.I started by losing over 240 pounds, but that was just the tip of the iceberg. How was I going to teach my daughter to love herself when I knew nothing about doing so? I had surrounded myself with stupid people who had no drive, that contributed nothing to society, and got off on keeping me down with them.Next step, severing the dead end relationships in my life. This was tough, but with each change came strength and the will to continue.
In this time of transition, I met my husband. We were like night and day- but he made me realize that I deserved more than I had settled for. He taught me about unconditional love, patience, and commitment. He helped me realize that all good things in life take time to develop, and I continued to grow and change.
Today, I am still working on repairing a lifetime of damage but I am committed to my goals. While I agree with much of what you have to say- rebuilding a life filled with bad decisions takes time. I make no excuses anymore and reading your book has been helping me put allot into perspective, Thank You.
I have bought all your books and have read them and continue to use them as guidance.Your first book,”SHUT UP, STOP WHINING AND GET A LIFE”, made me realize a lot of things about myself that I was searching for.You kicked my mind and my posterior in a direction I needed to go.THANK YOU FOR ALL YOU WORDS AND HAVING ME TO UNDERSTAND THAT I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE.I do my best to follow your words and as well as my own thinking.THANK YOU AND KEEP WRITING THEM BOOKS.
Awesome!
When we overheard our 20 year old college student tell a friend he had “tried” a drug, my wife and I sat him down immediately and told him exactly why we were disappointed in him. We reminded him that we have always preached for him and his siblings to remain drug free. And as an athlete in an elite program he was subjected to regular testing in high school.
Pissed off he proceeded to tell us why we didn’t know what we were talking about, we didn’t understand that this was something “everyone” was doing, and that the world is “different” now.
I listened to him, and let him get his thoughts off his chest, but when he was finished I got up from the table and told him in no uncertain terms to put his car keys on the credenza go up to his room and pack a bag with as many clothes as he could fit in it. I told him that since he was now an adult he could make his own decisions, but that if those decisions involved using any kind of drug he would need to do it away from us. I told him I loved him and that this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but he left me no choice, he would need to move out of our house that evening. I also told him he would need to be prepared to support himself and if he wanted to finish school he would need to support that as well.
No grey here!
Parenting is tough. That was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. My wife almost fell out of her chair, but she stood right beside me.
After a bit of time our son made an adult decision. He apologized for hurting us, and made a promise to avoid the use of any drugs. Then I just about fell out of my chair when my wife said “fine, I’ll get a drug test kit from work (she works in the pharmacutical industry) and you will take a test on our demand”. He agreed.
We’ve not felt compelled to use the test, not yet at least, but if we feel there is cause to we will.
Our son is an adult. He has the right to make his own decisions. However, the decision he made to use a drug was not one we were willing to compromise on. He could have moved out and shared a place with a friend, he makes a decent wage at a job, but he new what was right from what was wrong because of his upbringing. We pushed him to confront a bad decision which was not easy, nor fun, but it forced him to confront life’s reality. A wrong decision is a wrong decision.
I will never speak of this situation to him again, but I hope this will be one of those lessons he will draw from as he is raising his own children.
In the meantime he has decided to continue on to law school once he graduates.
I’ve recently read two of your books. I have to say that I believe every word you have written and have adopted it as a lifestyle. Thank you.
“There is nothing brilliant or outstanding in my record, except perhaps one thing: I do the things that I believe ought to be done…And when I make up my mind to do a thing, I act.”
President Theodore Roosevelt
I agree with most of what I have heard you say on a recent CD book I listened to called Success your own damn fault and what I have read in this blog. People in general never cease to amaze me. I live in an area hard hit by Katrina on the Missssippi Gulf Coast. I had almost 6 ft. of water in my home and since I had a home based business at the time – Ilost it all. I lived with family and friends for 6 months till I got my little Fema trailer and could come home and rebuild. To say that people in this country have a sense of entitlement is a gross understatement. I constantly heard people bitch and complain about the trailers our government let us live in. Instead of being grateful for what they had they thought it should have been more and better ect ect. When someone cranked up this kind of talk I actually pissed a lot of people off by telling them that they should be grateful for what they had and asking them to tell me in what other country did they think they would be provided with any place to live after a natural disaster. I have myself been reminded of this again with all the recent earthquakes. Then to make matters worse they wanted to sue the government because of the fumes in the trailers causing health problems. I will admit that when I first got mine I could not stay in it. The fumes were so strong that they made my eyes water and burn, so I opened all the windows and let it air out for about a week or so and slept in my gutted out house and only used the trailer at that time to cook. Peoples stupidity also amazes me. What part of your eyes are burning and watering from the fumes and maybe you don’t need to constantly breathe this did they not get? So then they want to sue somebody?
Different subject- Kids. I insisted on knowing where and what my 3 kids were doing at all times, they could not date till they were 16 and did not get to spend the night at friend’s houses. Did I get flack from them and other kids parents about this sort of thing. You bet I did , but the best mothers day present I ever got was from my daughter. It was a copy of an newspaper column about the worst Mom in the world. The Mom who wouldn’t let them do such and such and so forth, I can’t quote it because Katrina destroyed it , but at the end it said I had the worst Mom in the world and I thank God for it. They may hate you now for the black and white attitudes but when the get older they may acually appreciate what you were willing to do to keep them safe and mke them better people and if they don’t it is still worth the effort. Okay I am now climbing off my soapbox.
revised comment
I agree with most of what I have heard you say on a recent CD book I listened to called Success your own damn fault and what I have read in this blog. People in general never cease to amaze me. I live in an area hard hit by Katrina on the Missssippi Gulf Coast. I had almost 6 ft. of water in my home and since I had a home based business at the time – I lost it all. I lived with family and friends for 6 months till I got my little Fema trailer and could come home and rebuild. To say that people in this country have a sense of entitlement is a gross understatement. I constantly heard people bitch and complain about the trailers our government let us live in. Instead of being grateful for what they had they thought it should have been more and better ect ect. When someone cranked up this kind of talk I actually pissed a lot of people off by telling them that they should be grateful for what they had and asking them to tell me in what other country did they think they would be provided with any place to live after a natural disaster. I have myself been reminded of this again with all the recent earthquakes. Then to make matters worse they wanted to sue the government because of the fumes in the trailers causing health problems. I will admit that when I first got mine I could not stay in it. The fumes were so strong that they made my eyes water and burn, so I opened all the windows and let it air out for about a week or so and slept in my gutted out house and only used the trailer at that time to cook. Peoples stupidity also amazes me. What part of your eyes are burning and watering from the fumes and maybe you don’t need to constantly breathe this did they not get? So then they want to sue somebody?
Different subject- Kids. I insisted on knowing where and what my 3 kids were doing at all times, they could not date till they were 16 and did not get to spend the night at friend’s houses. Did I get flack from them and other kids parents about this sort of thing. You bet I did , but the best mothers day present I ever got was from my daughter. It was a copy of a newspaper column about the worst Mom in the world. The Mom who wouldn’t let them do such and such and so forth, I can’t quote it because Katrina destroyed it , but at the end it said I had the worst Mom in the world and I thank God for it. They may hate you now for the black and white attitudes but when they get older they may actually appreciate what you were willing to do to keep them safe and make them better people and if they don’t- it is still worth the effort. Okay I am now climbing off my soapbox.
Larry, i just bought your book “Your kids are your Fault”” and although my kids our 20 & 16, I read it with a vengance. I do wish that I had it years ago, I wish you would write about teenager in another book. My question is now that I am dealing with teenagers I need my husbands support more then ever. He doesn’t not seem to be bothered by disrepect ofcourse being that he works alot these days to keep our business from going under, I still need him to have my back. How do I get this through to him without threatening to leave?? That would not be good for either one of us & we bother have to much stress to do that. But we only have a limited amount of time before they are gone..
thanks…nuff said