How To Work With A Jerk
Five best-selling authors, Speaker Hall of Fame recipients, internationally-acclaimed business consultants and best buddies give their insights on business and life.
From Joe Calloway:
OK – here’s my answer. It’s the answer for me and not necessarily for you. The answer is that you don’t work with a jerk. My vendors and colleagues aren’t jerks. My customers aren’t jerks because we have a finely tuned “jerk filter” on the front end to weed them out. I’ve worked too hard and life is too short to put up with jerks so I won’t. If you don’t have that luxury or option, my friends here will probably have good advice. There are also lots of books you can read about how to work with difficult people. But my advice is to move on. Either have the jerk removed or remove yourself. Don’t work with a jerk.
I know. I know. Some will say, “But it’s not that easy.” or “I can’t remove them or me.” Fine.
Then listen to my four friends here. Three of them are almost certainly more patient with difficult people than I am. Winget’s not.
Joe Calloway helps great companies get even better. www.JoeCalloway.com
From Larry Winget:
I am surrounded by more jerks than most folks so I have learned to work with them more than most would ever have to. Why is that the case? Because I am more opinionated than most folks – at least I am more vocal with my opinions than most people. When you are an opinionated person who rarely hesitates to voice your opinion, people will react to you in jerky ways. Which means they aren’t necessarily jerks, but are only reacting to you in jerky ways.
Of course, being an opinionated person also makes you a jerk in the eyes of many people. So begin with asking yourself the question, “Am I the jerk?” About half the time, when I ask myself this question, the answer is either a resounding “probably” or a very definite “yes.” Knowing that will help you deal with most jerks. Jerks are usually defined as someone you strongly disagree with or who strongly disagree with you. After all, how can anyone who agrees with you be a jerk? The solution? Confront, engage or ignore. Those are your choices. I almost always choose to confront while most choose to ignore and gripe.
Larry Winget, the Pitbull of Personal Development®, is a six-time NYT/WSJ bestselling author, social commentator and appears regularly on many national television news shows. To find out more, go to www.LarryWinget.com.
From Mark Sanborn:
Assuming (as Larry points out) that you’re not the one being the jerk, try this:
Start by making sure you’re dealing with bona fide jerk behavior. Be honest about your own interpretation. I’ve heard employees say their boss was a jerk because he or she required them to be on time or live up to other performance standards. Requiring compliance to a job description doesn’t make your boss a jerk unless he or she does so in a petty or demeaning way.
Next, “feed the trolls” as the internet saying goes. Your response to a jerk can be fuel for his or her fire. While it is natural to respond negatively it doesn’t help your cause. Be assertive to protect yourself, but don’t resort to bad behavior.
Finally, have a tough conversation. Call the jerk on her or his behavior. Define the jerk’s behavior, how it makes you feel and—importantly—how it impacts your work. Get the problem out in the open and ask that it be addressed.
Mark Sanborn is president of Sanborn & Associates, Inc., an idea studio for leadership development. He is an award-winning speaker bestselling author of books including, The Fred Factor. For more information and free resources, visit www.marksanborn.com.
From Randy Pennington:
I agree with virtually all of my colleagues’ comments. My only minor disagreement is with Larry’s assertion that people who agree with us are seldom jerks.
Larry, Joe, Mark, and Scott are four of my best friends in the entire world. We agree 98 percent of the time, and … you see where this is headed. I’m sure they would say the same thing about me.
Even your best friends will occasionally be jerks. If they are, call them on it. And if they won’t do the same to you, they aren’t your friend.
If you decide to talk to someone about their jerkiness:
- Focus on the behavior. Don’t assume their motivation. It takes a strong relationship to actually call someone a jerk and not have them react negatively.
- Own your feelings and emotion. You can’t control others’ actions and behavior. You can control your reaction.
- Know the difference between a jerk and a bully. We all deal with jerks. None of us should tolerate a bully. Report it or remove yourself. Just don’t accept it.
- If you supervise the work of others, being or allowing others to be a jerk will be detrimental to your and their success.
Randy Pennington helps leaders deliver positive results in a world of accelerating change. To find out more, go to www.penningtongroup.com.
From Scott McKain:
The fundamental problem with jerks is often that THEY don’t realize they are one.
They believe that they’re “driven,” or “results-oriented,” or “a decisive leader,” instead of understanding themselves to be the total ass that we perceive they are.
I suppose that down deep we would all like to be a bit of a jerk. We’d enjoy saying what we really think without repercussions – however, as you and I know, the real world doesn’t work that way.
And, perhaps the truth may be a bit deeper than you first recognize.
When Van Halen demanded in their contract there could be no brown M&Ms in the dishes of the candy required backstage, it wasn’t the band being a bunch of jerks…or rock star excess…that was behind it. Van Halen knew that if a promoter skipped that detail, there would probably be other, more important ones that they would miss, too – meaning fans might not get the show the band wanted to deliver.
In other words, what was perceived as “jerkiness” was instead a commitment to excellent performance.
Before you deal with the jerk using the great insight from my friends – first, make certain the problem isn’t the jerk, but instead…your perception.
Scott McKain teaches how organizations and individual professionals can create distinction in their marketplace, and deliver the “Ultimate Customer Experience ®.” For more information: www.ScottMcKain.com
ALl of the replies are great! I like Joe’s the best; indeed, life is too short…
Before I became self-employed, I didn’t encounter many co-workers who were jerks. Most would fall into two categories: People who acted like jerks occasionally, including me, and people who were outright bullies, either toward me or someone else. If I couldn’t personally resolve issues with the latter, I would either take action, or as a last resort, remove myself from the job situation.
I think it’s important to add that if one of the sweetest people you know suddenly acts like a jerk, take time to cool off, then ask them politely how they are doing. Typically, you won’t even have to ask. They will come back to you to apologize, and tell you their father is in the hospital being tested for cancer, or someone else will tell you what’s going on. This is especially true of men. I have rarely seen a man break down in tears over a family crisis. Too often they try to hold it in, and it comes out as irritation over minor things.
If you are experiencing repeated problems, with no resolution and no action from management, write it down. Document what happened, what was said, how you responded, what supervisors or clients said or did, etc., and include the time and date. Of course, keep these notes out of sight or at home. They are for your own reference, in case you ever need them for your defense. (Guys, I know women are not going to like me saying this, but you might notice that a female co-worker only acts like a jerk a few days out of the month.)
Finally, if you are white or male, and the person who is bothering you is female or a minority, tread lightly.
You have to point out to the jerk that his/her behavior is unacceptable and unprofessional. Some people are not cut out for managing others.
Lately in my last 2 jobs I have been inundated with Jerks in my life. The first one I did nothing but combat and confront. This continued until I proved that I could be just as big a jerk to him as he was to me. All the time attempting to prove to myself that I was better than him, and creating a circle of support in the other workers. Lunch and off time was consumed on negative talk. Inevitably this ended up in a double looser situation. I had become the jerk. This was an important lesson to learn not about the jerk , but about myself. You see, when I am confronted by negative behavior, being shamed, degraded, unworthy. My feelings are deeply affected. Since the true feelings of sadness, shame, and fear can not come out in the workplace because it would make me look vulnerable, I resort to “fight fire with fire” and the result comes with A PRICE.
A nger,
P ride,
R etribution ,
I gnorance,
C oercive
E mptiness
So the second Jerk comes along, and my first reaction is “I jumped out of the pot and into the frying pan”. This guy was a REAL jerk, as if I have been dealing with any other kind of jerk in the past!! But I learned the reason why I react negatively myself when confronted by a jerk is as I explained above. I have feelings that devastate me and I am full of unworthy empty feelings. So I learned to understand that this jerk is experiencing the same things that my jerk experienced. I learned that empathy was a powerful tool, not only to deal with that jerk, but to deal with this jerk to. I now understood my own feelings and dealt with them. It didn’t change him, because he felt he still had to be that jerk out of his own protections. He just became more aggressive when I responded appropriately because Jerks have one rule “I WIN, YOU LOOSE”. So ultimately I had to remove myself from the situation, but when I used empathy it created positive energy that further opened doors that gave me the opportunity to move on. My value is that I can walk away with integrity, and self value.