There are many signs that parents aren’t doing a good job as parents. All you have to do is look around at the millions of people living out the results of their own bad parenting to know that. Take a moment and look at these ten signs and evaluate how you are doing:
Ten Signs You Are A Bad Parent
If you don’t know where your child is right now,
you are a bad parent.
If your child is obese,
you are a bad parent.
If your child has a television in their bedroom,
you are a bad parent.
If you don’t know your child’s friends,
you are a bad parent.
If you tolerate disrespect from your child verbally or physically, you are a bad parent.
If you promise consequences for either good behavior or bad behavior and don’t deliver, you are a bad parent.
If you don’t teach your child about money,
you are a bad parent.
If you don’t have open, honest communication with your child about sex; the dangers, consequences and joy of it,
you are a bad parent.
If your grown child still lives at home and mooches off you,
you are a bad parent.
If your own life is an example of what you don’t want your child to grow up and become, you are a bad parent.
Some of you are now spewing and sputtering and shouting “yeah but” at me because your kids are great yet they have a TV in their room or are overweight or blah, blah, blah-de-blah-de-blah! Okay, you can tell yourself that, and since I don’t know you or your kid I’ll step back and give you the benefit of the doubt. But I still don’t believe you. Just because you don’t see the harmful results of your action or inaction today, doesn’t mean that you won’t later.
“But I genuinely LOVE my kids Larry!”
I’m sure you do. But we have to stop pretending that the definition of being a good parent is “loving your child.” Parenting is MORE than love. Parenting is loving your child enough to make sure you produce a responsible, productive fit adult who lives a life steeped in honesty, integrity and respect. An adult with a strong work ethic who knows how to give her word and keep it even when it isn’t convenient. A person who knows how to be financially responsible by earning, investing, saving, giving and enjoying their money. That requires communication, involvement, education, discipline and punishment. It requires work. Love without the actions to back it up doesn’t really mean much.
If you want proof about the damaging effects of these ten signs and more, read my book, Your Kids Are Your Own Fault: A Guide For Raising Responsible Productive Adults. Go to www.yourkidsareyourownfault.com
I have 2 grown kids who within the last year have been laid off their jobs and have moved back home. While both have looked for employment to no avail, they seem to be getting more comfortable living here. I am at the point where I want to be taking preliminary steps toward retirement, and the last thing I want to do now is revert back to raising kids. My wife seems perfectly fine with them living here once again, which is not helping matters.
I’ve even thought about downsizing and selling the house in an attempt to get them motivated about personal responsibility. The problem with that is I would take a huge hit on my home value at this time. I read your latest book, and have just given it to my wife to read. Whether she will or not remains to be seen. One of the things I got from your book was that our kids are our fault, and we have failed as parents. So where do I go from here? I am usually a pretty happy go lucky guy……but I’m not happy with the situation as it now stands.
Byron they may be your children but they are adults. Setting boundries is a loving thing. Setting a time frame for both +qqis healthy for all involved. They are not 10 year olds. Let them be adults
whooooosh !!! Is this a test?! if so… I passed!! I was nervous to come here & read it, but thankful I did 😉 thank you so much for sharing this…you’re so awesome!!
Hi Byron.
My name is David I live in England.
Honesty. Truth. Respect. Understanding. Patience.
I’ve not read Larry’s book but I bet these words are mentioned
a few times. We have to give these qualitys out before we get them back.
You mention about selling your house just so your children have no place to stay? Strange! Harsh!
Give them shelter, warmth and Love. End of. Basic essentials that’s it. That’s enough. Surely then they went to get out and work for the better greater things in life?
If not then you’ve a load of loving to do.
Ps remember too, women are a strange bunch!
Good luck
Well, Larry is Larry and we know what we get when we read his stuff. There is no gray area in Larry’s world, but in real life that’s not always the case.
My wife and I have two adult children living with us (I’m not their biological father), and I liken it to hitting the “reset” button. Both have made mistakes and needed to start over, and it’s very tough for someone to manage the financial aspects of supporting themselves while trying to gain education or training and get back on track.
We provide that support — so long as they pitch in and help, and agree to make progress. Both work and contribute financially, as well as help with other family responsibilities.
While it took awhile for both to get their heads around the planning side and plug into it, it has happened and we see that progress.
I’d rather have my kids at home, able to reset their lives with the principle-based support and guidance that we can give them, as opposed to scratching out an existence any way they can, and maybe neglecting the education and growth activities in favor of working extra hours because the rent is due.
Larry can call me a wimp for doing this, even negligent by his standards, but I didn’t have these kids from the get-go and wasn’t able to build them up over the years so they could stand on their own. I feel this is the chance to do some of that, while helping them accelerate their advancement.
Just my .02.
Right on Larry. It’s time we parents wake up and realize many of the problems in our world can be fixed by raising responsible kids.
I’ve got 9 of the ten things covered but my kids do have a television in their room. Haven’t bought the book but now I probably will because it’s not occuring to me where that problem is. My wife and I also have a TV in our room.
I’m not saying I’m right for allowing it, just that I don’t know why it’s wrong.
Your books have helped me see the light on other issues and may on this as well. Until them I’m glad that only one thing on this top 10 list applies to me.
I LOVE This!!
Larry, The only rule of yours I’m breaking is the tv in the bedroom. They have no cable, satilite(sic) or internet connection. But I have 2 thoughts:why do white people (I’m One) push their children out when other cultures by and large keep to family and when do I stop being a parent? If I have kids then I’m a PARENT!!!!!!!!!! No matter what the kids age.
I think I’m a pretty good Mommy and I hope you’ll agree. Of course, I just have cats.
I always know where they are – home.
Cassie’s a bit plump, but the others are all right where they should be.
There is a tv where they sleep, but without opposable thumbs they can’t work the remote.
They only have one friend outside the family and I even know their friend’s Mom and sister.
If they act up, I tell them to stop it or I’ll spray them with water. If they continue, I spray them and they calm right down.
They understand that Mommy goes away for several hours a day so they can have food and jingle balls and they know a little about money: coins make great toys and the $20 bill that Cassie ate nine years ago didn’t taste very good.
We didn’t have to have the sex talk – I just had them all spayed and neutered and that took care of that.
They don’t need money, so there’s no mooching.
My life is becoming better and better – I’m getting better with money and eating more healthily. I’ve lost a couple of pounds and intend to continue.
So how am I doing?
While I don’t have kids, I had two really awesome parents as role models that have laid the foundation for when I do have kids. Larry’s spot-on advice will factor in as well.
Byron – I don’t think you’re a failure as a parent. I think that with your situation (which is not unique), your kids just need a little “push.” Maybe you could suggest that they go back to school to study for a new career (something I’m doing myself). They may even need to consider moving to another city if they’re satisfied with the career paths that they’ve chosen. Don’t sell your house now as you may be kicking yourself should the market rebound in the next couple years. If it turns out that they are just being lazy and becoming content with being at home, I’d give them an ultimatum – they have by X date to have some form of employment and be prepared to move out. Whether or not you plan to sell the house immediately, it is your roof (that you paid for) and what you say is law. Trust me, if you let grown folks become content with being at home, you’ll have co-dependent moochers that won’t strive to do any better (and why should they when there’s someone else to pick up the slack?). I’ve seen this happen time and again in my own family.
Dear Larry, I love your books and I love to hear you speak. I just wanted to say that as a parent of two grown children, who are very responsible adults, I think that every young person today should read your book on raising kids. It should be mandatory reading in every parenting class that they give in schools today! I am going to give a copy to both my daughters for their sons, ages 1 & 8 months. Please continue to always keep your books & speeches coming. You are the greatest motivational speaker of all time! You are my mentor. Sincerely, Kathy Larsen
John read the book that contains the studies about kids who have televisions in their bedrooms. Kids with televisions in their bedrooms are more prone to obesity, lower grades, sleep issues and many more problems. Plus, you don’t have any control over what they are watching in their room AND kids go to their room to watch what they want and don’t spend the time with the family. I just quote the facts on this stuff. It is alarming. Mostly my issue is that we are creating a world of spectators who watch life and don’t live life.
To the other comments: Thanks for your words about the book. Yes, my views are black and white and I recognize how gray the world is. I’m fully aware. Every parents goal for their child should be independence. You want FULLY independent adults who make their own way in the world and don’t rely on the parents for anything except love. That can’t be accomplished when grown kids are still living in their bedroom with mama and daddy down the hall providing shelter, food and more. I am all for helping your child at any age. But you have to draw the line at some point and age between what is help and what is actually hurting them become productive, responsible, financially secure, independent adults.
Thanks, Larry. I read your books, and I love what you have to say. I just wish you had been around when I was a kid. How much different my life might have been. Keep up the good work. And as the Special Forces used to say, “You beautiful S.O.B., don’t you never die!”
Golly, I can’t believe I got all ten. Our two kids are now away at college, and so far they’re turning out great. We decided to downsize our house while they were still in high school, so they would be able to live in the house, so they could have the sense of “coming home to visit” as they get older. They’re not perfect kids, but they’re a work in progress. TOTALLY agree on the “no tv in bedroom” thing. There are no TVs in any of our bedrooms.
I’d like to add one rule to your list: You need to read to your children. We had a ritual every night, where the entire family would sit together and I would read a chapter aloud from a good book (we got through the Chronicles of Narnia, Tolkien’s books, Mark Twain’s classics, the Redwall series, and lots more). We started when the oldest was a toddler and didn’t stop until both were in high school. They are now passionate about books!
“If your own life is an example of what you don’t want your child to grow up and become, you are a bad parent.”
This is a good point. Everytime my child screws up, I look in the mirror and ask myself, “where is this problem in me.” I hate the mirror sometimes and this is hard on the ‘ole ego. I usually will find a behavior in me that is similar to my child’s poor behavior or choice. This practice is extremely helpful in correcting the example (you) that your children see and learn from every day. One more comment – nip it in the bud when they’re are young. Big kids have big problems.
Here in China, it’s extremely common for adult children to live with their parents until they’re married. The parents pretty much forbid adult children to move out of home because they want their kids to save as much money as possible to be able to buy the increasingly expensive houses.
Also, I’m not sure up to what age you think a parent needs to know at every minute where their child is. My parents had a laissez affair approach and never required me to check in. I would just say I’m going out. I didn’t do drugs, attend orgies, join gangs, or anything. I normally just went out playing football.
This is the first time to your blog and I’m really glad I have come across it. 🙂
@Jerry I don’t think that there is anything inherently wrong in adult children living with their parents as long as you have an ADULT relation with them. I lived with my parents till I was 21/22 roughly and I was never “mooching off”. It depends on the parents I guess, but Larry’s is right in pointing this out as a bad sign: you may end up in dangerous ground and need to know what you’re doing.
I can’t believe everyone is going along with the crap. Many parents work hard to raise their children, and yes true enough some are not doing a good job. There are parents who have all the rules you stated, and their children still go out, and do drug, sex, drop out of school, and the list goes on. It’s not all the parents fault, children have minds of their own. Some tend to go in the wrong direction, and as a parent we need to be there to support them, many parent children are dead because of this so called tough love, and they wish they could have their child back. If my grown children had to come back home for a spell, I would let them. I would rather have them home with me then on the street – homeless. Expose to all kinds of harm. There are no gray areas in your rules. I get so tired of people trying to writes books to tell us how to raise our children, when most don’t have any or not doing so great with their own. You will often hear that their children are out of control. If you want to know how to be a good parent read the Bible. Love is never selfish. I know my parent did a great job with me, I went to school, got my education, got married had children – all that good stuff, but I was still not prepared for all the things life threw at me. Does that make my parents bad parents NO!!!!! There are people out there who should not be parents, but most people try to be good parents to their children, and we never really know how they are going to turn out. They get food, watch t.v. etc some where else, and unless you’re going to go with them ever where you may not know everyone they know. We really don’t have a lot of control of how our children turn out, anywhere if their lives things can go wrong, and the beautiful child we watched grow up is now a mess, but that life is it not. I say do the best you can and love your children, as much as you can. I do agree with you when you say, more parents need to act like parents. Parents you are not your child friend. You are their parents stop acting like you are their friend. There do need to be rules and consequences for their action, that shows them you love them, bottom line.
Well I guess I might be a bad parent. I have four adult girls. Three live away from home with their Grandpa now. One of them has a job and goes to school full time to learn to be a Pharmacist. One of them has two kids and is on welfare. One does nothing, never have been able to get her motivated. The last one lives with me has two jobs and is back in school learning cosmatology. Cats? Yes, I have them too. I only know where the 5 babbies are, (Fox, Dillinger, Clide, Doc, and Wyatt)right now, sleeping on my lap. The rest of the gang, (Sundance, Jessie, Butch, Bonnie, Jane, and Princess II) is out roaming the neighborhood looking for trouble. Mom cat(Bandit) is out trying to find Dad cat (Princess, Thought he was a girl). He only comes around every couple of months. He usually leaves me a rat or something on the porch and a pregnant Mom cat. I noticed today that one of the teenage cats Princess II, She IS a girl) from the last litter is knocked up. Birth control you say? Well I keep telling them to keep their pants up. But of course they never listen to me. I may just be nominated for the baddest parent of the year award. But, I love my babbies and I have allways wanted a Siamese cat. Well I am at 13 and counting…Hey! does anybody need a kitten?
@ Gordie As for point #9, it is fairly culture specific. Here in India also, adult children live with parents till marriage, and sometimes after (Usually only the male children) so they can take care of their parents.
So only the “Mooching off part” is relevant universally, which means that Adult children shouldn’t be non-earners who buy things for personal use and pleasure off their parent’s earnings while making no effort to be financially independent.
Denny – do your homework first. I have kids so don’t insinuate that I wrote a book about raising kids when I don’t have any. And as I say in the book – in fact, as I say in all of my books, we spend way too much time trying to justify ourselves and our actions and our lousy results by living in that gray area people embrace so fondly. We need a little more black and white in our lives. And your line “most people try hard to be good parents.” In their hearts I agree they want to be. In their minds they even actually believe they are being good parents. But sadly, the statistics and the facts don’t back it up. Look around and you will see just how badly parents are failing their children. I appreciate your feedback and wish you the best. You also might be surprised how much you would agree with me if you actually read the book.
For the folks that have their kids looking at home, you have to look at Larry’s statement:
“If your grown child still lives at home and mooches off you”
He’s not saying that its not fine for you to help your child. He says its wrong for you to allow them to mooch.
As a young person, I have many friends who have boomeranged. As a tax accountant, I have many clients with children that have done the same thing. From this experience, I’ll give you the definition of “mooching.”
If your child lives with you and does not contribute to the household (financially or housework), he is mooching. If you allow them to live with you without a plan for moving out and/or paying his way, he is mooching. If your child is not treating finding a new job AS a full time job, he is mooching. If your child has turned down ANY job offerred because “its not the right fit,” he is mooching.
If your child is in his 20s, you’re helping. If you’re child is in his 30’s, you’re bailing him out, if he’s in his 40’s you are enabling him to make bad decisions.
Hi Larry,
Just letting you know that this post inspired me to write a post on your points on my blog.
http://lifestyledesignforyou.com/2010/02/bad-parent/
Cheers.
Gordie
Larry my son is 16. He has a TV in his bedroom. He’s a straight A student and reads more than he watches TV. Their is nothing wrong with TV as long as you monitor how much they watch. You also failed to mention a computer in their bedroom.
What if the child is anorexic? Whose fault is it then?
My son was an honors student, took advanced classes, etc… He wasn’t allowed a TV or a computer in his room. When he got out of high school, he got to have a TV and computer in his room. He worked full time, went to college, got good grades, but spent his free time fooling around on the computer and watching TV. I kicked him out when he was 20 because even though he was doing well, he was a lazy smart kid. Meaning, he was doing just enough to get by, not get ahead. I kicked him out when he was 20. He put himself through college. Has a great circle of friends. He is thriving.
I will shed some light.Having a T.V. in your child’s room is wrong because: 1) they are isolated 2) you don’t know what they are watching(even if you think you do you don’t) 3)they are missing out on family bonding time 4)why does any kid need it in the bedroom?,that room is for resting and quiet!!(my opinion)
If my daughter wants to watch T.V it is where I can pop in and check,I also limit it to 1-2 hours the most on school days.
Disagree if you will, but those are my reasons a child does not need to have T.V. in the bedroom.
Sharon, you are dead on. Plus the statistics say that kids who have televisions in their room are more likely to have weight issues too. Thanks for your input!
Larry- Thanks for the feedback! I guess it’s amazing how some things escape us even when we do our best to be “tuned in” as possible. None of us are perfect but it’s important to continually try to improve how we do anything. How you do anything is how you do everything. Nobody wants to be a crappy parent, it’s just a question of whether or not we’ll work to improve.
P.S.- I did go buy the book because it was eating at me.
Does anyone know Alec Baldwin’s address? I think I need to send him this book.
So…I won’t know if I’m a good parent until my kids become teenagers?
Your 10 things don’t even apply to my 6 year old, except the fact that she’s not obese and she’ll NEVER have a television in her room.
It would seem to me that all of them apply to a six year old. I can’t imagine how you can think that each of these ten would not apply. All the best to you.
Thanks Larry,
Not just for this one but for every other bit of work you have provided as of yet. I’ve just found out about you since I don’t watch TV and have started reading your books. I’m glad to know that there are other people out there who see the world not just as it is but for what it can be for everyone if they would only apply a little personal responsibility to every facet of their lives. Stop blaming others and just fix what ever is broken in your life. People are just so engrossed in the drama that is present these days they over look the simplest and most important things. Just walk away from the drama and the problems and live your life simply and with honor!
Thanks Larry, You are Right on!
As I read these ten things I almost laughed at the silliness that even needed to be mentioned and in some of them that you wrote in the list because around thirty years ago (some of these parents may remember too) some of this list would not apply
You knew where your kids were, because you weren’t allowed out of the yard without permission, nobody had a car, you did yard work, played all kinds of silly games and exerted yourself till you were exhausted and you had to be inside when the street lights came on.
Supper was at the same time every day; there were no microwaves, or microwave foods, no quick processed ready to eat junk only whole foods that were made from scratch. No snacking between meals.
Many people didn’t not own a Television; if you did it was in the Living room, a black and white with rabbit ears and tin foil wrapped on the antenna to get better reception sometimes.
You knew your Childs friends, their parents, and your neighbor’s; disrespect was not tolerated from any of these people or your parents.
You learned about money from throwing newspapers, collecting on the accounts, picking up soda bottles around town to sell at the grocery store, and mowing, raking, and trimming other people’s yards.
You got your sex education from mom out at the cloths line sense most people did not have a clothes dryer and Dad’s and son’s talked about that kind of thing while they wash and waxed and changed the oil in the one family car people had back then.
The other two of the ten does not apply to the biggest share of us at that time sense all the rest was taught.
There is one more thing that should be added to the list of yours Larry, how about parents that allow their kids to have cell phones before they are old enough to get a job and pay for it? Cell phones have created the biggest rudest and dangerous bunch of people. Kids talk and text at the most inappropriate times and way too late at night. I just wonder how they would have gotten along like we did a few years ago when maybe three or four houses in your neighborhood even had a phone in the house, and it was on a party line, where you had to be polite, and wait your turn.
I see this as a grade card of reality… but MORE importantly, a template to go back and TAKE ACTION in the areas where I’ve been weak with my daughters. For example: I’ve been threatening consequences on one of my “strong-willed” daughters and haven’t followed thru. I finally delivered tonight. Been a bummer evening for her (and I as well), but I’m hoping the consequence hit home, and sticks long term. Hard feedback to hear Larry, but necessary.
You are absolutely right about the Bad Parenting Signs. A parent should know what a child is doing and who their friends are. Many parents also get into physical and verbal abuse which is also a bad sign. Parents also should refrain from forcing own choices on children without considering the interests, intelligence level or capacity of the child.
I agree 100% with everything on this list. I believe that spoiling children creates adults that have no concern for the feelings of others.
Everything he says is true. I wish I could say that the only thing on here is that my daughter doesn’t have a TV in her room (which she doesn’t). This has not be a WHEW! I passed moment. I fail at 6 of the 10 signs. She is 17 now…..is that too late for me to change?????????
It is never too late to change! I talk a lot about this in the book; how to turn it around and get back on the right track. It is hard but can be done with open, honest communication explaining to your kid what you think you did wrong and wish you could do over. Then you work together to make it happen.
The no TV in your room thing, a common family computer where I could see it and no video gaming, is what I did, I know I was the Luddite parent, but oh well.
My problem is I have a daughter who is prone to self sabatoge. She does great for a while and then up ends it and has to start all over. It was one thing in her 20’s but now she’s in her 30’s. I’m starting therapy this week because I NEED some coping mechanisms. I NEED to deal with my disappointment and worry. I think I’ll put in a few sessions and see what I can do to get her to go. I know I’m not alone, there’s quite a number of my friends dealing with issues of delayed maturation.