Bullying: It’s all over the news. And it’s a damn shame. It’s a shame that it happens and it’s a shame that people who get bullied feel that the way to cope with it is to commit an act of deadly violence against themselves. But the problem is not the bully. Bullies will always exist as long as there are people who are willing to be bullied. Bullying is not so much about the bully as it is about being a victim. You can’t bully someone who refuses to be a victim.
The bullying issue stems from believing that the opinions of other people actually matter. Society is obsessed with the opinions of other people. We believe that things like wearing a certain brand, carrying a certain cell phone, watching a certain television show will help us gain the approval of other people. And sadly, it will. We base our entire lives on whether others like us instead of whether we like ourselves. We have become much more interested in others approving of who we are rather than approving of ourselves. We see people on television regularly sell their souls seemingly just to become popular or famous. It seems that we have thrown self-esteem (the act of holding one’s self in high esteem) out the window in order to have other’s-esteem (the act of wanting others to hold us in high esteem.) Yeah, I made that one up, but I like it: other’s-esteem. And it is that other’s-esteem that is causing the problem. All of us need to be reminded of the title of that great book by Terry Cole-Whittaker, “What You Think Of Me Is None Of My Business”. When we learn to think in those terms we can rise above the approval of others and not be controlled and manipulated by the words and actions of others.
That’s why and how bullying really occurs in the first place: putting the approval of others above the approval of one’s self. Sadly, making the opinion of other people so important that when we don’t receive it, some are willing to commit suicide because of it. I know many of you are going to say that the cases I am citing were more extreme than simply not receiving the approval of others. You are right. But there is a starting point for all of this and it starts with wanting others to approve of us, and then not being able to accept it when we don’t get it. It also starts with self-approval and self-acceptance. I contend that when we teach our children not to care what others think but instead to become people who love, accept and honor themselves, much of the bullying will disappear. Let me be clear on this one: bullies will not disappear but bullying will simply because there won’t be any victims for them to prey upon.
We need to learn that 100% peer approval is an unrealistic goal. We need to understand that there will always be people who will demean you, not because you deserve it but simply because they have their own problems they haven’t come to deal with yet and the only way they know to build themselves up is to put others down. In other words, some people simply don’t like themselves and feel good only when they are making fun of others. And some people are just jerks. These jerks will always exist. You can’t legislate against them nor can you sue them for being rude and unkind. But we all need to understand that you can’t hold them accountable for your reaction to their unkindness. It’s much like blaming a bartender for the fact you drank too much and ended up drunk and then did something horrible in your condition. Your actions are your choices. You are the one in control. You don’t have to let someone influence your actions. You don’t have to be victimized by anyone else. It is about choice and personal responsibility.
If you tease me and call me names and embarrass me and I go out and kill someone, I am the one who is going to be held responsible for the murder. Seems to me that the same applies when it comes to suicide. If you tease me and call me names and embarrass me and I kill myself, it is MY fault, not yours. You simply can’t blame the bully for the personal actions of the one who is bullied. I know this is not a popular opinion. But suicide is not the result of bullying. People who commit suicide feel that is their only option. They feel there is no other solution. Therefore they implement a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And if there was ever a temporary problem, it is being bullied. Bullies come and go. You have a bully for a while, but then they move on to another victim. Then you move along and another bully shows up. But the issue is personal responsibility of how you react to the bully. Do you give up control to the bully? Do you allow someone else to dictate your reaction? No. You stop being a victim so the bully has to go elsewhere to find someone to bully.
In stating this case to others, some have said that my approach is calloused and I would feel differently if it were my son or daughter. I hope I wouldn’t. I would surely be devastated but I hope I would realize that my job as a parent was to teach my child to be a strong individual who was able to stand up to the criticism and actions of others, even when that criticism and those actions were extremely hurtful. And if the worst happened I would be sorry that I didn’t teach my child to rise above the approval of others. I would be sorry that I didn’t help my child learn how to love themselves enough that what others say and do just don’t matter in the long run. I would be sorry that I didn’t teach my child that there are options available to deal with these issues and that suicide is never one of them.
And within those statements lies the solution: Parenting. I spoke a lot about bullying in my bestseller; “Your Kids Are Your Own Fault”. If you missed that section, re-read it. If you don’t have the book, get it and read it. It is up to parents to teach their children not be victims. It is up to parents to teach their kids how to hold themselves in high-esteem and to think well of themselves. And yes, it is up to parents to teach their kids not to pick on others, not to bully others and to be nice to others. Bullies are the result of bad parenting. But so are victims.
I taught my kids that if they were bullied it is the other kid’s problem, not theirs. I taught them to think that the other kid was an idiot for being mean to them and to write that kid off as a jerk and to move on. I taught them to live the old saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” While we all know that saying is a lie and that words do hurt, it is still important to teach kids that hurtful words come from people who are weak and to be pitied and are not to be considered truthful words to be taken seriously from a reliable source. It is also important to teach kids that they are only words.
I also taught my kids that it was acceptable to physically defend themselves against getting punched in the nose and physically abused by bullies. My Dad taught me that it was better to nurse a bloody nose than to lose your dignity. I agree. Hit back when someone hits you. Some say that is promoting violence. Really? I don’t believe that violence is the first answer to any problem, but I’ll be damned if I let my kid’s face be used as a punching bag by letting his arms dangle at his sides while he tries to reason with an obnoxious kid. My kid may get in trouble for fighting at school and I may take criticism as a parent, but I’ll deal with the aftermath of my kid hitting back in order to save his nose and his dignity.
I also think it is important for parents to take a good look at their own kid when she is playing victim to a bully. Is she being ridiculed, made fun of and called names for being fat? Is she fat? If she is, then help her lose weight. As the parent, her being overweight is your fault and you are aiding and abetting the bully by allowing her to be that way. Don’t blame another kid for calling it as it is just because they hurt your child’s feelings doing so.
Is your kid annoying? Yes, your little darling might be annoying so recognize it and deal with your kid’s annoying ways so others won’t pick on him.
Does your kid look like a victim? Don’t pretend you don’t know what I mean. The world is full of people who look like victims and you see them every day just as I do. Some people just look like they are ready to get their butt kicked. They don’t carry themselves with confidence, walk with confidence or speak with confidence. If that is your kid, teach them to stand up straight, look people in the eye, speak up and look like they are in control of their physical space. That way people won’t even consider violating their space. It is your job as a parent to do so. “They are just shy” isn’t an excuse that is going to help them be successful as an adult, so teach them to move past it as a child.
Is your kid gay? Are they scared to death to tell you because they know you won’t approve of them and that your love is conditional on them being straight? How do you expect them to approve of themselves and feel okay about who they really are when you don’t? If you don’t love them for who they are, they aren’t going to love themselves either. Your job is to teach your child how to develop a healthy self-esteem so they will carry themselves with confidence, feel good about themselves and love the person they really are.
Teaching your child to disregard the negative comments of others is a challenge. Children can be mean. And mean children can grow into mean adults. I run into rude, mean, negative, hurtful people everyday, don’t you? These people are your boss, your co-workers, siblings, friends and maybe even your spouse. Everyone knows a bully and may have even been a bully from time to time. If we all crumbled every time someone said something mean to us, we couldn’t survive in the workplace. If we fell to pieces every time someone cut us off in traffic we would have to park our car and stay home. Life is full of bullies. I rarely go a day without a run in with one. I can’t do a thing about it except refuse to be their victim. That’s a lesson we all need to learn. That’s a lesson you must teach your child.
Larry,
Thanks for the blog and your message. It is appreciated by me! Keep up the crusade of telling it like it is in your no-nonsense way! I’ll keep reading and respecting!
I completely and whole heartedly agree. I remember my mother teaching me how to walk and talk with dignity and I was always told to defend myself. It’s sad we live in such a superficial world and allow the opinions of other to sway the opinions of ourselves. What is even sadder is it seems we are always looking for a scapegoat instead of bucking up and taking responsibility for our own issues.
I think you are putting forward an extremely narrow view on bullying. The assumption is that if you can’t stand up to bullies you are some kind of worthless, spineless excuse for a human being. The assumption is also that the person being bullied was fortunate enough to be raised in an environment that fosters self confidence.
There are many cases of bullying that occur whereby the bullies are much older than or in positions of authority, such as parents, coaches, religious leaders and so on over the one being bullied. You also assume that threat of embarrassment is the only threat against the one being bullied. You forget that the threat is often one of violence, often severe or destruction of reputation by false accusation. These are just a few examples, there are many more. I don’t agree that ending your life is a solution, but when the bullies are your so-called “friends” stabbing you in the back and selling you out, the situation becomes even more difficult and the one being perpetrated against can make very poor choices.
Gerri, that is hardly the assumption I am putting forward. I am very clear about what I am putting forward: personal responsibility and good parenting that teaches self-awareness and self-respect so you don’t value yourself based on the words and actions of bullies. I have not forgotten the threat of violence but the solution is the same whether the threat be physical or just harassment/embarrassment. Besides very seldom is violence a first act of bullying but normally one that has escalated since the bullying wasn’t curtailed when it was only words.
Some people are never bullied because no one would ever consider a threat of any type against them. There are fat kids who don’t get bullied. Gay kids that don’t get bullied. Handicapped kids that never get bullied. Kids who are not smart that don’t get bullied. Yet the weak almost always get bullied regardless of their situation. Why is that? Sadly, it IS weakness in many cases that is the problem and the cause of the bullying. Strong, independent, self-confident kids rarely get bullied. I stand by every word of the article. Thanks for your input.
As a teacher for over 20 years, I have witnessed bullying by boys, girls, cliques, parents, teachers, coaches, sports parents. The first thing we tell the victim is to quit being a victim. If they don’t get the rise they want out of you, the bully loses all power. There will always be another bully as long as there are victims available. When we had moles in our yard we did not go after the moles. We went after the grubs that they fed on. The moles are gone because their food supply is gone.
Wow… Tough to swallow and yes… I do mostly agree but as there are children taught, inadvertently or by design to be victims, there is a kid on the hockey rink or soccer field who’s mommy and daddy are teaching their children to be faster, better and tougher than little Suzie and Billy and to do it at any cost including mental intimidation. I see these parents, some of them were victims themselves and are living their issues through their kids and vow to do the things they only wish they had the balls to do, or they are just the next generation of a$$hole parents continuing the legacy. I don’t think eliminating the victims solves the problem or is realistic. BUT… as I have tried to teach my kids, they are the only ones who choose to be victimized. We live in a small town and my standard line is ” I am not 10lbs. overweight – my skin has just grown that thick from living here.” I know what you are saying and I have plenty of victim friends and plenty of complete jerks who are relentless for, as you said “their own issues”, and feed off the emotionally crippled. I do have to totally disagree with violence. Bulling in my definition is words, physical action begets action and if anyone ever left a mark on me or my children then they better run because the long arm of the law will come crashing down upon them. It’s like saying making prank phone calls is the same as keying your car or throwing a rock through your window… BIG difference. But that is my “speak your mind” Thanks Larry for always keeping the conversations going. Love your stuff… Larry for President!!! ; )
Hey Larry, it’s easy to talk about not being a victim when you are not being bullied. Problem is, most teens and pre-teens won’t discuss being bullied, as it is very embarassing. It’s not only the parents but all adults who are aware of bullying that need to get involved, instead of waiting for the child to figure it out on their own. And by involved I mean personally and yes, even physically, if necessary. Leaving children to develop this capability on their own leads to the outcome described in the Lord of the Flies. IMHO it’s the adults in our culture who have allowed these behaviors to exist and grow who are ultimately responsible for them. Children can’t be expected to moderate their behavior like miniature adults.
Thank you Larry. Some people get it and some people don’t. I’m behind your thoughts all the way.
Now I understand why I was picked on alot. Not quiet bullied but close if you know what I mean and it pisses me off that I had parents that never taught me how to be strong. Now I am trying to figure it out as an adult and it is tough. Sometimes I really hate my parents for literally teaching me nothing!
Bravo, Larry!
Teens are my business and have been for over 25 years. I’ve stood in over 1,000 gyms presenting to high schoolers about this very thing. The fact is, we’re not going to ever get rid of bullying. Kids can be cruel, and there will never come a time when every kid is warm and kind to every other kid. If you feel ugly on the inside, you’re going to act ugly on the outside.
However, just as you did in your home, parents can teach their kids to armor-up against the bullies so that the jabs, insults, and barbs have a very hard time penetrating. And they can also teach them to defend against the physical attacks, if it comes to that.
Lastly, I think your term “other’s esteem” ought to be turned into a required course for all students. If they understand this concept, we’d have more independent thinkers in society and far less dependent lemmings.
As I former Bully Larry I completely agree. I used to pick on the weak to feel better about myself. If that person happened to be stronger than I thought and they stood up to me I no longer picked on them. I eventually grew out of this phase and now I understand why I did it in the first place. I did to feel powerful and feel better about myself. None of the people that I ever picked on took the extreme actions like the most recent new stories. Then again my bullying was not on a global and technological front either. Kids todat feel trapped they can not escape the bullying. If it happens at school it no longer stays at school, it follows you everywhere from cellphones to internet. Kids need to speak up for themselves and they will feel better and more empowered to take back their lives….
Hi Larry;
I think this blog is fantastic! I would like to address one thing – as a parent I am taking responsibility in ensuring that my child will not be a victim – but he is a special needs kid that too the world is different and incapable of being able to defend himself and I cannot be there all the time to ensure that he is safe and the other people around him are safe. I am only putting this out there as a responsible parent – it is very difficult to protect those that cannot speak for themselves. We as a society need to embrace the world with all of its differences of every opinion…people are more interested in being right on so many levels. I have had to cover the cost of damages that my children have caused (I have two special needs kids but one can actually speak for himself) but the people who see the damage – even tho I have covered the expense of the repair – still tell me I am a bad parent – I know that is not the case – people just don’t want to air their dirty laundry. My guys are out there in the world – living in it and learning as they go. Kids are outwardly cruel and then as adults they just talk about you behind your back – bullies are everywhere whether they admit it or not and with all of this nonsense in the media about it – they win. The people affected by bullying should not be silent anymore and they need to fight back with words of tolerance, acceptance and love. Stopping the cycle of hate is where it might need to start. Thanks for putting this out there…it is appreciated.
Connie
As a former perpetual school victim, I agree, Larry. I first had to stand up for myself, and finally had to fight someone in seventh grade to make it stop. I had two parents giving me conflicting messages: my mother, who was never really tormented by bullies (though she, like most kids, still had to deal with them) wanted to me to run and tell a teacher anytime something bad happened (she was also a very studious, “straight arrow” sort of kid, who was never physically hurt, spit on, or threatened with any serious injury). My dad, on the other hand, was an average-performing, short-in-stature, spunky student in a much more aggressive environment, and he flat out told me “anyone touches you, you knock ’em on their ass.” One of the few things for which my folks did not have a unified front…
For me, a breaking point came about in the middle of the year in gym class, seventh grade. I talked back to a bully (in such a cold-blooded fashion, I don’t think I could ever talk to another human being in that same way today), and he challenged me to a fight. He lost in a very, very decisive and embarrassing fashion. The gym coach was preoccupied with the girls on the main floor of the gym (all the boys, including the bully and myself, were up above the basketball goals in a sort of balcony, where the wrestling matches were held for the boys), and (luckily!) no one was put in detention or suspended. No one (who knew me, anyways) ever bothered me again.
Probably the best day of middle school I ever had.
I have no clue whatever happened to the other kid. Don’t really care, either.
What I DO care about is making myself a better husband, a better businessman, a better artist, and, generally, a better human being so I don’t come to despise the face in the mirror every morning. I want to be useful and, generally speaking, a welcome presence (as opposed to someone that people try to avoid).
What worries me are the few people I knew growing up (very much with a “victim” mentality) who, over time, grew angry and bitter about people, work, and life in general as a result of how they were treated and how they treated (and continue to treat) themselves.
I will say this: my wife and I have discussed this, and we both agree that when we do have kids, we would rather them take a school punishment for defending themselves, verbally or physically (but ONLY if necessary), than take a beating from an either messed-up or just plain awful child.
you can’t have a murder without a victim, either. Do you fault them as well, Larry?
but then I suppose it was my fault for being smaller and weaker.
Oh, but I did resist – after months of being picked on mercilessly, after going to school officials more than once for them to do something, the one time I said, “enough” and stood up for myself, _I_ got in trouble.
Unfortunately, too many parents don’t feel it’s important to teach their kids to _not_ pick on the weak – some actually encourage it. And when we stand and watch without doing something, we’re to blame as well.
Standing up to a bully may work. Time will almost certainly work, but to a young teen, time moves differently than to an adult. You can tell a kid that living well is the best revenge, but the trouble is, it is hard to convince a sensitive young teen that things get better in the long run, that there’s a big world out there and a place for them in it. Sometimes they can’t see that because today is so miserable.
For those children, I recommend that their parents do something radical. Take them out of school. Home school them. Send them to live with a relative in another state or country. Move. Do something to save your children; don’t just tell them to suck it up, or depend on the school to fix things, or expect that everything will automatically get better.
I have nothing but scorn for the cowards whose refusal to condemn bullies encourages more of the same. You know who you are.
David – your comments are absolutely ridiculous and you must know it. There are extremes to every occurrence known. And to focus of the .000001% doesn’t serve anyone well which is what you are doing here. I am talking about solving this issue long term by being good parents and showing an unwillingness to be a victim. Will it work 100% of the time? Will anything? Once again, some nincompoop has focused on their personal issue and is unwilling to logically, intellectually address the overall problem.
Quick question, regarding Lily B’s post:
Assuming one takes his or her child out of school and home schools because of bullying, what will you do when your child is an adult and has to deal with negative people, institutions, and other brick walls? Granted, I don’t know you or your specific situation with kids, but, generally speaking, it sounds like you’re advocating a “run home to Mommy who will make everything better” approach to problem solving. In my opinion, that is unrealistic and, more importantly, a bad life lesson. For that matter, doing so just gives that bully a little more power afterward (with kids whispering “he’s so bad, that one kid left the school he was so afraid!”).
I know someone in college who, when confronted by adversity from her professor (a professor whom, I might add, is a very nice guy out of the classroom), ran home to live with her parents because it was just “impossible” to continue.
This was the issue: this girl was being challenged by her professor in a constructive fashion – the academic equivalent of a drill instructor trying to mold soldiers out of teenagers. However, her folks raised her to be a “precious, delicate flower,” and any kind of “real world” work, stress, or issues bother her much more than most people.
Just recently, this same woman (as she is now a few months away from being 30 years old) lost her job. However, she has a huge support network of friends who offered to get her a ridiculous amount of temp work. Assuming she accepted the work, could have made roughly what she did before being fired, while waiting for a more permanent opening.
Instead, she left the area to go back and live with her all-too-understanding parents, where she will live rent free until she tries to be an adult again.
I would argue this is what happens when one parents in that manner.
Forgot to mention that parents should get therapy for their bullied children. Also, self-defense lessons build body confidence even if they won’t turn a pacifist kid into a fighter. Sometimes parents simply don’t have the fighter spirit themselves, but they can find people who can help their children with poise. This could include helping those children find an alternate world in which to shine. It could be the arts, it could be involvement with some cause, doing manual labor on a farm, whatever. The point is to make the world that the bully inhabits smaller and less all-important in the kid’s mind.
That still does not excuse all the fellow-travelers who let bullies get away with it. Speak up, you fools, or you will surely be next.
WOW! I am so excited to read this post. I have been saying exactly those words for years. My son was getting into trouble for fighting about 10 years ago. I asked why he threw the first punch and his answer was “He called me a_______!” My response, “well are you one?”. My son of course said no, and then I told him, “Then what makes that boy’s opinion of you more important than the opinion you have of yourself? Who cares what some unimportant person says about you if you know the truth?”
Back in my youth, it was sticks and stones. In my grandparent’s day, it was pigtails in the ink well. Today’s over-zealous parents come unglued at a simple taunt. Its a little ridiculous. I do not believe kids should be allowed to bully each other, but I also believe that mom riding in to rescue little Suzy from the 7 yr old who called her “stupid”, does nothing to better the situation. It reinforces to little Suzy that she IS a victim, and in NEED of rescue. Why not EMPOWER her to handle her own little battles, so that when she is older and the risks are greater, she is capable of handling adversity? Personal integrity and strength are like your body’s immune system. It is only through battling the small things, does it become strong enough to handle larger more dangerous things.
Larry–
It seems that most people don’t remember what it was like to be a kid. Almost every kid in school was bullied, saw someone else being bullied, stood up to a bully,, and most importantly, WAS A BULLY. That is the way the pecking order was established, and when it was allowed to work, with light supervision from the adults, kids turned out mostly OK. They didn’t have resentments build up in their minds for years and fester to the point that they would feel the need to go shoot everybody. By trying to eliminate bullying with the full force of the government, they are CAUSING the very thing that they say they are trying to prevent.
When I started in school a long time ago some kid started picking on me and I told my parents. That night my dad taught me to how to defend myself, nothing complicated just basic punching and blocking. I was told I was to never hit first but If I was hit first then I needed to defend myself. The next day at school I stood up to the kid and he decided he did not want to fight. Through my school years there were guys that thought they would bully me, typically 1 punch to the face and they had enough.
Another related story: I was given a pamphlet they give some people going to jail and it talks about prison rape. It basically says it happens as a bullying technique; it has very little to do with sexual attraction but more about degrading the individual. It explained that most victims tend to be the timid type.
Josh Bulloc
Kansas City, MO
How can I help?
I have to agree that we as parents need to teach our children to stand up for themselves and also to stop caring about “opinions”, we waste so much time worrying about what others think. The most liberating moment in my life was when I listened to my husband and stopped caring about “opinions”.
When we take away the importance of what others think about us or do not think about us is the moment we become free, and it is what we need to teach our children from day one.
Larry,
Thanks for an excellent piece of straight-talking.
To those who complain about what you’ve said, I’ll add my own rebuttal:
I was bullied at school, badly. At the age of 8 I learnt several valuable lessons – people will pick on you because you’re “different”, being “different” doesn’t mean you’re “bad” and – most importantly – IF YOU TAKE ACTION, YOU HAVE CONTROL.
I took control at the age of 8; got my own “gang” of bullied misfits to stand up to the bullies. They left us alone after that. Note, no direct parental involvement (the bullies were attacking me partly because my mum was “different”), but a lot of parenting that taught me to be proud of who I was.
At 14, I learnt another valuable lesson – if you fight back in the right way, not only do bullies back off, they cover for you as well.
In my adult life, I’ve been bullied at work, been the survivor of serious domestic violence. I know what it’s like to be treated without respect. I was driven to the brink of suicide by a loved one’s psychological abuse. I stopped myself, reminded myself of who and what I am and stopped caring so much about others’ opinions.
I have taught my wonderful children to be strong, well-behaved citizens. Yes, they’ve been bullied too, but they have their own ways of dealing with it, through self-respect, their self-defined personal value systems and common sense.
One of my happiest moments? When my 12 year old, now almost 15, told me about a bully’s threats and his response. The bully had tried to set up a meet whereby my son was expected to walk to a field nearby, ostensibly behind the bully’s grandma’s house, to “discuss” my son’s failings as a human being. My son’s response?
– “You want to fight me, we do it here (at school) and we do it now. Otherwise, go away and be a loser somewhere else.”
No more bullying.
We have two basic choices in life – to take personal responsibility or to pass that responsibility for our lives to others. It’s a simple choice. We can’t change what’s in the past; we can’t change others. We can change ourselves and our perceptions are part of that.
Besides everything else… My bottom line is do NOT kill yourself or hurt yourself! I was a REALLY bullied person & have been to the point where I thought there is nothing else I could do. But when you get to that point, there is not a worse place to be (if the ONLY option is to end your life, then it HAS to get better). Obviously if I committed suicide, then, due to a bullies actions, I would not be where or who I am today! Part of knowing what is right & wrong, is knowing that you have to take care of yourself first & that it is wrong to hurt yourself!!
Thanks for sharing this view! I totally agree with you!
Thanks for the blog! You are always the voice in the back of my head when it comes to dealing with financial and child raising issues! Scarry huh? LOL
🙂
Larry,
we have a new grandson, 9 years old that came from an abusive home environment, and he came in as second oldest into a house of 4 other kids. he is a natural victim and the oldest is becoming a bit of a bully. i want to provide the oldest, 11 years old, with information about recovery from an abusive environment so he can be part of the solution vs part of the problem. do you have any suggestions.
Bob R.